Top 10 ugliest footballers

For quite some time, I and my mates have been arguing a lot about who is the ugliest football player in the world, from the past and now in the modern era. With some major analysis, I came up with a list and here it is…

 

10. Jose Bosingwa

In the era of the metro-sexual man, there is no excuse for a monobrow. I’m sure many QPR fans would like him to pluck off… I mean pluck it off, some say he should be way up the list, but being the 10^th ugliest football player, is still pretty shit too right??

 

 

9. Michael Reiziger

Although Michael achieved a lot during his footballing career e.g. wining the champions league he still remains trophy less from the neck above, although taking his bottom lip into account that’s one trophy.

8. Dirk Kuyt

 

The Dutch forward has a habit of scaring the defences he comes up against, not because of his footballing abilities, but rather due to his unconventional face…

 

 

7. Ramires

Some of Ramirez’s closest friends have stepped forward and anonymously exposed his real age 38, could this be true, it certainly looks like it.

 

 

 

6. Bafetimbi Gomis

 

Although Gomis’s girlfriend is one of the most sexiest women I have recently seen, she still wakes up in the morning turns around in bed looks at Bafetimbi and starts questioning some of the decisions she’s made like wtf (what the f***) was I thinking. But hey money is money right we all have different ways of getting money hers is through Gomis dark navy blue skin color.

 

 

5. Carlos Tevez

One of the greatest finishers, to grace the league, but also one of the most offensive faces to disturb it. Don’t be deceived by his cute little children.

 

 

4. Joleon Lescott

This man brought the most controversy, some say he should be top 3, but there are some certain players who would make Lescott look like a male model if he was around them.

 

 

 

N.B: I advise my readers to do some extra work and Google image the top 4 ugliest football players, theirs a tie in number one. It’s that close ladies and gentlemen.

 

 

3. Franck Ribery

Y’all where getting very impatient wondering where this ugly lad is and why he isn’t number one, although the scar is a very terrible accident Ribery took the cake easily 3 or 4 years ago for being the ugliest athlete, but there’s some new recruits.

 

 

2. Iain Dowie

 

Perhaps the ugliest player to grace the English game has been Iain Dowie. The ex-West Ham, QPR and Southampton veteran is definitely the definition of ugly. He seriously looks like the Hill Billie’s from Hills have eyes.

 

DRUM ROLL!!!

 

 

Shaun Goater

Probably one of the ugliest football players I have ever seen play in my life, the man’s very lucky to even have a Wikipedia information account.

 

                                                                                            &

 

Hendry Thomas

No comment even the English commentators never said anything when he held the ball, it’s so bad that Wikipedia have written his “supposed” age is 27, the man takes the number one spot together with his fellow “twin” Shaun Goater. F*** Thomas is ugly.

 

Please if you have uglier players, or you’re not happy with the list, please comment.

 

Irrelevance

Indeed, indeed it’s been very long since I last posted, but the truth is, there was just nothing relevant around me worth talking about. The summer is almost coming to an end, and a truly bitter end. The gorgeous foreign ladies have all disappeared. It’s very sad and we are all trying to come to grips with it. The ugly winter is approaching, that means everyone is inside, the sunset clock’s at around 3:00 in the afternoon and the females are all going to be covered up like Arabian women, they are all trying to keep warm is the excuse. My bed is warmer than all the clothes you have on girl I promise, and you know what else happens in bed that could keep you warm… Alright this is turning into a conversation, engaging with my readers is of the utmost importance, so let’s get back on track. Being normal and staying in your own bubble seriously narrow’s down mouthwatering opportunities. Being wild and crazy makes everything and around you alive and hype so…

 

It’s the 21^st of September, shit has it been that long since I last posted, alright the truth is. I was to god damn lazy to do shit, no motivation at all. Some days were just so gloomy and sad so inrooms (It’s meant to be indoors but I dropped the doors cause I f****** can, and cause I was also in my room in those some days.) Was just the ideal way to go. I would turn on the t.v once or twice and turn it off again cause everything was just coming crashing down on the news bombs, riot, floods shit I lost count at all the fucked up shit that’s happening around us, um… fun fact: Did any of you know that news actually stood for north, east, west and south pretty dope and simple right, genius in fact. Oh yeah whatever happened to that, c*** kony, you know the guy who turns kids into soldiers. Yeah, yeah I know its random but I run across this so it reminded me of him.

 

Yo, you sure that shit is chronic?? (Am guessing that’s what he asked him in his native language.)

 

Anyway, times up. Need to start thinking of something to write for my next post. Again readers sorry for the wait.

Eat, Shit, Drink and Fuck

Lately eating, shitting, game of throning season 3 (Just pulling your leg.), drinking and fucking have been my thematic concern. Done nothing else apart from the above. Some may sum it up as rotting, others living it up so lavishly. I call it being influenced by popular culture. Like for instance watching the game of thrones season 3 (pulling your leg again), since everyone has been gassing the series up I have been influenced by society, it’s like peer pressure I guess, but good peer pressure if theirs even such a phrase. It’s the summer and its beyond hot 44 ͦC, occasionally we hit the beach but after the exotic beach session, you get very dark, since I’  am a chocolate toned young man, I get very dark. I’ am almost looking like this.

 

Okay, no but you get the point right.

 

Is it wrong to just eat, shit, drink and fuck. Back in the days, formidable Kings use to do this. So I guess I should consider myself a “Formidable king”, I mean am keeping it so classic drinking wine and whiskey only. You know the high life, first class. In fact I’ am a formidable king fornicating with the most gorgeous European females, an international collaboration Slovakian, Swedish even Armenia females for heaven sakes. So I guess just eating, shitting, game of throning season 3 (Pulling you guy’s legs again for pit sakes, and you readers are still falling for it.), drinking and fucking is simply just the way to go.

 

Dainty much

Sitting on these plastic chairs, so comfortable listening to Frank Ocean the channel orange album, crack rock being the song exactly. Ice tea on my left with a pinch of vodka, slightly buzzed and writing from the top of my head. A moment I would trade for none, gorgeous ladies coming out of the Nepintepo. It’s now your duty to find out what Nepintepo means one clue it’s Greek. Its 2:38 on the dot only three apartments, looking so lively. The one guy in the other apartment is watching a porno, I ‘am being dead serious, the second apartment has a bastard, beating on his wife and their child is witnessing it all. the last apartment has a girl I just met. She's on her balcony reading my blog on her T.V and in HD so inspired and can’t wait to post. Just from the corner of my eye, I can see three chaps keeping it real rolling tobacco the traditional way. Now am listening to the song monks, getting an indescribable feeling, the music is truly hitting me.  As a wise man once said, when the music hits you, truly you feel no pain. Something along those lines I think. “Wake up and live” Bob Marley once said and am living along those lines. Did you know the mind is the most powerful tool one has, so gentlemen and ladies use it wisely. Hope you all enjoyed reading what was on my mind, it’s been a fascinating journey love you all.

The Black Astronaut

At this very moment, everything is white. White tables, white people white tunes and an all-white theme. The only black guy around, feeling like a real outsider. Trying to adapt with this new foreign language I hear, which is beyond irritating. Women eyeing me like I ‘am the first black astronaut. Quite funny but am digging the attention. Some food for thought, I don’t know what to say next. Wait hold on now I do, finally this people see that am actually not an alien, in fact am very similar to them. They begin to make conversation. Feeling part of it now, the actual situation. The black astronaut strolling on the moon, is that a surprising image? Yes too many, in fact to all. Just linger on it for a second “A black astronaut”. Weird right, yeah that’s how I pretty much felt. Finally back to the apartment, one with the brothers no homo. Off to bed I go, need to stop writing before I confuse you all.

“ The Black Astronaut.”

Rarity

On the edge of the balcony

Street lights unfolding me

Though the darkness in between expressing my true feelings.

ANGER

Car after car,

Motorcycle after motor cycle,

The cacophonous sounds ravaging my brain.

Traffic signs on every corner.

Traffic lights just ahead of me.

Showing green at all times.

Allowing me to continue,

I now see red, my time is up.

Ayia “ Fucking” Napa

“Ayia Ayia fucking napa”, was all I was hearing, drunk teenagers releasing their emotions in various ways whether it was on the dance floor or the streets, their expressions were always visible. People told me to expect the unexpected in Napa and I seriously did. An experience I can live to tell, ganguro girls, English cupcakes, Turkish sensations, Spanish senoritas, French delights what more could a male dream of. The females covered in the most erotic wear of 2012, influenced by the new era of fashion “yeah buddy”. Walked up and down the streets, gorgeous female faces, so many people, uncountable smiles from everyone. Jamming the Saturday night whether your single or sadly in a relationship. The night made none of that matter. Let me not forget to mention the amount of cleavage revealed and the tight petit shorts the ladies wore to illustrate some of their valuable assets, which would never face liquidity. Over ten clubs in one street, so you can imagine the music pumping and the competition to receive the most customers. At all times people were grooving to the tunes. Going hard every second, to make each and every moment unforgettable. Entered the first club, black and white, without a doubt it lived up to its name. The coming together of different races, truly amazing, racism was put apart and political problems set aside. Drinking, dancing and inhaling the spliffest skunk was the main agenda. Maintaining the positive energy was of the at most importance. I could really live here were the thoughts lingering in my mind. Ayia Napa indeed was one of the liveliest party areas I have ever visited. The night finally came to an end, and I was planning to catch some sleep but the chance never approached me, due to the fact that it was compulsory to attend the river reggae after party. Absolutely incredible, exotic dancer’s still pushing the same kick they had since the beginning. The after party was over by noon. But no people still went hard at the beach, afternoon barbeques, guitar jams, soothing swims and classic fishing. The day was indeed ended in the most fashionable of styles. Grilled beef fillet, sex on the beach (The cocktail you disgusting minded people) and amazing tourists to collaborate with.

Exams are a b****

Dear readers, I shall start posting tomorrow again, been really busy because of exams, so stay put Mesopotamia is about to go HAM.

Ha,ha...ha

The moments

I open the window, the sea breeze hits me my sweat vanishes, a chain of thoughts hit me. The sun is strong, the day is long, seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, darkness looms above us, the moon our only established light. We count the stars, we lose ourselves, we make star shapes, we entertain ourselves. Music in the background, the playlist so soothing, she taps my shoulder and whispers “You’re an amazing nostalgia”. I smile at her, she does the same, for me that’s a blessing, for her a fond moment. We waddle downhill to the lake, she takes off my shirt, I take off her shorts, in no time we are naked, free like Adam and Eve. Stick our feet in the water, a feeling second to none, skinny dipping just because we can, kissing just because we can, giggling just because we can, yearning for our love, teenagers just doing what’s right. At that moment, there’s no problems, no religion to separate us, no racial factors to discourage us, just love to embrace us. She runs into the woods, I follow, for minutes I chase her, at last she stops, points down and whispers “look”. An amazing view, the image so vivid and in HD. We sit at the edge, She slides her hand down my forearm, all the way to my hand and squeezes it, time flies, in utter silence. We watch the sunrise, truly exotic, silently in our minds, we linger on the moments, moments that we will never trade, moments that will probably never occur again, moments that I will certainly never forget, a new day awaits us, a new beginning installed just for us, living every second to the maximum, leaving nothing to waste, especially the magic moments.

Enrique you bastard.

Episode 4

I wake up on my bed, dazzled my head is spinning incredibly. Enrique is sitting next to me smoking El Paso skunk. The f*** head he is, he hits me again. And explains why he whacked me across the head when we were outside. Something about me looking at De Marcos’s daughter the wrong way, and that she is off limits. So I ask him “Are you scared of De Marcos, didn’t know you were such a pussy man damn”. “Nah man I ‘am clever and wise, that guy will kill you”. “You clever, hahahaha getting four F’s in a row, Enrique shut the f*** up”. “Didn’t you know getting four F’s in a row is a way of illustrating your intelligence”? “OMG Enrique just shut the f*** up”. We decide to head to town to hustle for some money. So Enrique goes and gets his chicken, named Bruce chick lee. Yes, many might say its animal abuse to allow animals to fight, but I mean this is El Paso hustle hard or go home. So we enter some chicken fight competions and make up to 5000 mexican peso’s which is about 300usd. Alright we were rigged maybe up to 200 dollars, because you know this gangsters will never allow some scrony ass teenagers humiliate them in front of their females and gang. So we heading back home and Enrique say’s, he will be back his going to get some El Paso skunk, I head home slowly, decide to take a shortcut. Then I find Mr. Ever so righteous, speaking to De Marcos’s daughter, doing the lean and all. Enrique you f****** hypocrite I shout out. Before I can approach the situation, a black van with the number plates written De Marcos pulls up to Enrique, Some large ass Mexican gets out, slaps Enrique then back hands him again. I run to the situation and kick the huge man on his calf he falls down. As we were just about to do what we do best: “run”. Someone grabbed us from the collar and in the van we went.

Tune in next time, for more of my crazy endeavors.

Sorry for the wait

Channel Orange

Without a doubt Frank Ocean’s new album has mesmerised his fans once again. Channel orange is the albums identity, just the name sounds creative. Although his come forward and out of the closet about being homosexual, I don’t think that really matters. As long as his producing music of high quality, it’s cool by me. The only problem is that isn’t Frank part of OFWGKTA (Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All.)  Don’t they detest homosexuality hmm… very suspect, a crew that dislikes homosexuality but has a member who is homosexual in the gang and probably one of the best again hmm… very suspect. Tyler the creator better watch what he raps about in his new album Wolf, that was meant to come out in May 2012. Don’t worry Tyler we’ve got all day.

The future

O.N.I.F.C

Only N***** In First Class, is Wiz’s highly anticipated album, most fanatics are still wondering why Wiz Khalifa chose such a prolific album title, s*** I’ll tell you why the Hip Hop sensation is making heavy paper (money). So why not, I mean his worked hard played hard his entire life. People think his new in the game, but if you really analyse Wiz’s situation, his almost a veteran 7 years in the showbiz, obviously not on Snoop dogg’s, Eminem, Lil Wayne’s level.  But hey, the man is trying enough said. Most of you have probably heard his mixtape Taylor allerdice, a true genius mixtape illustrating his new hip hop style. The mixtape explains his transition, the rough journey, the money etc… can’t wait for his new album to drop in august so keen.

In Wiz we trust

LongLive A$AP

  “I be that pretty m*********** Harlem’s what am repping…peso” Yeah buddy A$AP rocky is dropping his new album in September, it’s surely going to be one of the best hip hop albums this year I think. A$AP rocky, is the future bringing back that hardcore rap, with his own flavoring and spicing. Those that don’t know him download his four billboards hit tracks 1.Peso 2. Purple swag 3.Wassup and 4.Goldie, ASAP is truly a talented MC, with a lot of potential. All he needs is the right artists around him, to cement a legacy into the hip hop world. The guy is always giving it a 100’s in the studio, concerts, interview etc… at all times engaging with his fans in one way or another. Okay I need to stop riding this guy. Just know his the man of the moment.

A$AP mob

Wolf

“Kill people burn shit, fuck school”. To all the Odd future lovers we can now forget Tyler’s harsh, offensive and demented lyrics he use to have, the stuff that actually got people to listen to him. Recently in an interview he dropped a hint of what to expect in his new album I quote exactly what he said: “ With this new album Wolf, I ‘am focusing more on the beats, people shouldn’t expect the same shit from goblin that rape, hating rich kids and killing homosexuals. I was broke then, now am rich so I can’t rap about the same shit”. Okay his got a point, not rapping about the same shit cough cough * Rick Ross. But I mean, what made Tyler was all that aggressive spitting, clinical rhythm and accurate flow. Anyway it’s almost august and the album was meant to be out in May, so um… the album better be worth the delay.

Yonkers

Must be illuminati

It’s a situation, I have never heard of in my entire life, so I’ am walking along the beach listening to nirvana, yes nirvana the rock band, theirs absolutely nothing wrong with a young black man listening to rock, lil wayne listens to them so am all good. Anyway while walking across the beach, I hear some guy crying and see him smoking his life away. I go to him, since he looks like someone around my own age. I ask whatsup? Why you crying dawg? His like, nah man there’s nothing wrong, so am like okay and I get up and leave slowly. Then I hear him shouting, “How could they, how they f*** could they, they meant to be my family and his meant to be my best friend.” So I walk back to him, ask him again what happened. This is exactly what he said, no editing, or painting the story. His like my mom is getting a divorce because of my best friend, so am like wtf?? Why? He says my mom wants to be together with my best friend. So I couldn’t help it, I had a chuckle for like a couple of seconds. So did he, then his like you think that’s the messed up part, my sister and my girlfriend are also madly in love with him. My girl broke up with me today so that she can be with him. So as usual I drop to the floor and start laughing like I just tickled my funny bone. He too does the same, then he takes a picture out of his pocket, shows me the guy. I stop laughing immediately and feel his pain too. I mean the guy was ugly, like no he was f****** ugly he made Flava flav look like Brad Pitt. No joke, so am like how is this all even possible he shrugs his shoulders and replies must be illuminati.

FHL (F*** his life)

The new neighbor’s

Episode 3

It’s Saturday, and everyone in town knows that there’s no tolerance for noise on Saturday, especially in the f****** morning. So I’ am sleeping right, It’s nice, dark and cool. Then out of the blue the most annoying sound ravaged my ear. It was like Wacka floka, 2 chains and blink 182 collaborating in one song “ravage my ear” or something. Got up took my baseball bat, opened my front door, amped to the max to teach someone a lesson. Stood on the front porch and saw new neighbor’s moving in, well just saw the truck with the house items. Walked down the street to inform these bastards that this is El Paso b****. The courage and mad swag was cut rather short, when I saw it was Mr. De Marcos probably one of the biggest, meanest and ugliest drug pushers Mexico has ever encountered. The man has a scar, that comes from his forehead down past his eye all the way to the chin. He asked me what you doing with bat, the b**** that I was, I told him I was coming to help them move in. Yes theirs so much a bat could do, you just don’t know. He looked at me for like a minute, I tried to be cool and look him back in the eye, but I oath it was like looking directly into the sun. He then asked me aren’t you Dos Santos son, I nodded my head. He was a good man, Mr. De Marcos said, I walked up to him and told him, he isn’t dead you know, if he was a good man, he should have been their when I went through the hard s***. Before he could say something, a girl maybe two years older than me came out of the house, she was fine from head to toe, a pure Mexican breed. Mr. De Marcos went back into the house, the girl came down the stairs looked at me like she was choosing liquor, I introduced myself like the gentle man I’ am. She told me her name was Amilia and slipped a note into my left pocket, she then turned around so erotically, walked up the stairs, like Miss.Mexico 2012 and in she went back into the house. As I was heading back inside, someone tapped me on the shoulder, I turn around and bang I was out cold.

60 minutes till the bedroom

Yes you all read right, 60 minutes till the bedroom baby, most guys hit the club the whole night and still manage to leave broke, beyond wasted and womanless. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with partying all night, the main point is just doing right, Raspy figures style we call it.

60 minutes till bedroom is the shizz, you basically party for 60 minutes and leave with your babe straight to the room, in no more than 60 minutes. Before we continue you need to contain the following as a guy

·         Eye-catching hair

·         attractive clothes  

·         Magnetic charisma.

If you don’t have what was mentioned in the above, stop reading now. Never too late to start uploading or downloading your porn, just joking fellas. Please cancel that tab you were about to open.

Eye catching hair

There’s a big difference between having eye catching hair and looking like, Jay West or Djibril Cisse. Keep it simple where by you just arouse a lady the right way.

Certainly not raspy

Attractive clothes

Everybody knows you need to rock 100’s when it comes to outfits, women get weakened by clothes no jokes. Keep it very stylish and on the mark.

Charisma

I can’t teach anybody about charisma, you either packed with it or you not. Just know confidence is of the essence and being funny is essential that’s all I can say.

Main event

The main event is the 60 minutes till the bedroom, always have a crew when you hit the club, a minimum of two beautiful girls. So people can know it’s not a gang bang.

Before hitting the club, make sure you have the traits mentioned in the above: Eye catching hair, attractive clothes and charisma. So you enter the club with your crew, the minute you in, all eyes are on you for a few seconds, so don’t waste time. Put on a cool smile to get noticed, scan for a hot girl at the bar. When this is done, remember eye contact is vital, she will look at you no doubt if you are swaging. Break the eye contact and look uninterested. She will go mad for you trust me. Find a crew and pop bottles. At this stage some girls will be too memorized and will attempt to join, invite them kindly. Forget about the other girl you first saw, start drinking with the new bees. Make them comfortable like they family for like 20 minutes. At this point they will do whatever, to turn up the night with you guys. Since you the MC you make it clear that it’s going to happen at your house or whoevers house from the raspy figures crew, and that they must come cause it’s going down, which they will do, excuse the pun. Off you go to the after party. A maximum of 20 minutes would have gone till the venue, which sums up 40 minutes. Then for the next 20 minutes dance, lay your mac down and park the bus straight to your room.  If your math’s is good you can add this up to 60 minutes till the bedroom b****. If girls didn’t approach your table, then it’s not the end of the world, you still got the girl that you laid eyes on at the bar. Head to the bar buy a posh drink, start drinking, automatically she will speak to you, well most of the time, if she doesn’t start up the conversation with something interesting like

You: Hey whatsup! You good?

Girl: Um… hello am fine (Don’t be intimidated by her frowning, she just flattered you approached her.)

You: Can I ask you a very serious question?

Girl: Sure why not

You: Well um… if me and you were stranded somewhere like in a dessert, and an extremely poisonous snake bit my penis, would you suck the poison out to save my life.

Girl: Hahahahaha… you are crazy

Bingo you are in no problem. Change the subject to something more interesting for like 5 minutes, invite her to your mad raspy table, without hesitation she will come. Now same thing like before make her comfortable for like 15 minutes remember you the MC still or rather the situation. Mention the after party at your house or whoever’s house. Head to the crib have a raspy hella time for approximately half an hour then device a plan to take her to the room. Initiate the plan which should take 10 minutes maximum and off you go to the bedroom. Now can hear it again for 60 minutes till the bedroom, yeah don’t worry I heard you all.

Ms.Demingez’s office (Part 2)

Ten minutes have passed, no sign of Ms. D so I get up decide to check out her souvenirs, and I come across this penis shaped glass souvenir. All of sudden the door slowly opens, the creek made the situation so agitating. Then the most unbelievable figure appeared in red and black lingerie. I dropped the penis shaped souvenir, when it came to my senses that it was Ms.D. My f*** she was looking hotter than Megan Fox on a good day, no jokes. At this point I’ am wondering why she’s been hidding such beauty, moreover why she is still single. I start to sweat a little, when she starts approaching me in such an erotic manner. Before I could give her a piece of my mind, she covered my mouth with her hand. I oath she tried to put me to sleep with that Victoria secrets scent. She came closer and whispered, “Tell anyone about what’s about to happen and I will feed your testicles to my two Colombian pythons. She started taking of my tie, kissing my neck, unbuttoning my shirt and unzipping my pants. I tried to resist, thus feeling her breasts and attempting to push her away. But as the saying goes if you can’t beat her, join her. Wait… it’s more off if you can’t beat them, join them arghh… whatever, just know I was severely beaten, child abuse in fact, that’s why I had to join. Then she pulled my boxers down, kissing my neck aggressively. She slowly obeyed the laws of gravity and descended. A minute passes and I ‘am dazzled she certainly hasn’t been out of the game, So I take control, pick her up and put her on the desk  and begin what was meant to be done a long time ago. In and out, in and out time flew, moods swung and the clothes were back on. She opened the door for me what a lady. Out of nowhere she just started shouting: “If you ever in my office for such stupidity consider yourself expelled!” With a wink to show me it was a cover story. She slammed the door, both staff and students were just staring but little did they know the monster Ms.Demingez is. 

Checkmate

Several names will not be mention during this post, the place this catastrophe occurred or the names of people involved.

We decide with a couple of mates, to catch some lunch before our next lecture. So I order my food. Extra-large burgers, I up size my chips and one jumbo Fanta. Finish my food and I ‘am beyond full, my stomach bloated like a woman who is 9 months pregnant. We relax for like another few minutes due to the fact that, one of our mates hasn’t finished his meal, so actually I blame everything on him.

My stomach starts rumbling and nature calls, so I head to the restaurant toilets, all six toilets are occupied. I can’t hold it at this stage, I run outside to use the public toilets, out of the ten toilets only one is free, the one in the poorest condition. No time to be picky I enter lock it behind me and begin my mega business. Business is good today, after such an amazing adventure I’ am done. I reach for the toilet paper theirs nothing, I just start fiddling with the toilet roll. I remain calm and composed, whip out my phone scroll done the contact list to call a friend and that irritating voice explaining, you do not have enough airtime replies. I still remain calm theirs always BBM and whatsapp. I receive a message but decide to ignore it. Text my friend through my BBM and the red cross appears, so I try again the red cross still appears, I ping more than three times the bloody red cross strikes three times again.

So I go back to the main menu to read the message. The message informs me that my BIS (Blackberry Internet Services) has expired. Seriously what are the chances of that occurring? Alright now the composure has decreased. I start sweating a bit, you know when there’s a problem and you feel that one armpit sweat drop, drip down your side, yes that type of panic sweat. Now I’ am rushing to whatsapp my friend, because I’ am five minutes late for my lecture. During the attempt to use whatsapp, I delete it by accident. Partially my fault but give a man some space, like the bad luck is unbelievable, should have grown a goatee like thiago. Now there’s just no way out, so nasty methods start running marathons round my head. Some won’t be mention for the safety of people’s minds. I decide to go with my most logical plan, I was wearing some torn up batman inside shirt. Took it off and spent a couple of quality time minutes with it, before we both parted our ways in the most obscure way. As I was about to end my tough situation, some unfamiliar annoying bell started ringing. I started to rush up my situation, before I knew it the door automatically opened up slowly and revealed everything. Everything would have been absolutely okay if one or two people saw me. But the whole street stopped and decided to laugh at my pain. More than 50 people at least, to even top it off I’ am now 25 minutes late for my lecture.

Fml…

Ms. Demingez’s office

Episode 2

Recently, I have started growing this new goatee, dear me isn’t it bringing me the best of luck and attracting the most encouraging attention. Well from the girls at least. Don’t want someone like Mr. Dick attracted to me now; Oh yeah forgot to introduce that bastard. Mr. Dick is this useless new substitute teacher who thinks his the head of school it’s hilarious, his always walking around the school corridors chin up, hair greased and tie tightly fitted. So it’s early in the morning, as most people know my alarm clock works when it wants too, its on vacation this week. I’ am running late for Ms. McCarthy’s class. All would have been good if she was present today, but she explained to the rest of the class, that she was going to be absent. So we don’t all need the ability to predict the future, Mr. Dick is the future. Plain and simple I’ am in shit. So I arrive in class, “Good evening, Thiago what a pleasant surprise it’s nice for you to join us today you rather early aren’t you Thiago”.  “Um… Sir the thing is my alarm clock just died on me today so, Um… sorry sir”. “Don’t worry young man all is good, just turn around and make your little trip down the hall to Ms. Demingez’s office. Off I head to see Ms. Demingez, the good news is I haven’t been in her office once this year, unlike last year were it was 322 times the entire year. “Come in Thiago” Ms. D screams out. I enter the office she starts to scan me from my head down to my beautiful Mexican toes (I ‘am wearing slippers today). “Wow!!! First time you are in my office this year and we almost done with the semester I ‘am really impressed Mr. Hernandez”.  “What’s this new goatee you growing” she asks. I tell her that I will shave it off before coming to school tomorrow and I apologized to her so sincerely. Then she replies “No! Don’t shave it off, it suits you I like it, it really brings out your masculine side”. Okay now I ‘am thinking in my head who need’s the Irish for luck, my goatee is just the s***. Then the most weird thing happens next, she gets up and comes towards me, whispers in my ear “ You know what, young man you have really matured this year, are you hitting the gym or what, your shoulders are broader and your biceps are bigger” she then touches the top of my shoulder and slowly goes down feeling  and squeezing my bicep . So I reply “thank you”, with a stutter towards the end. She turns around, walks towards the mysterious door behind her desk, which everyone has been dying to find out were it leads too and opens it. She turns around, tells me to sit on the chair and that she will be with me shortly. She gives me a wink, off she disappears into the dark closing the door shut…

To be continued

Party pooper’s, raspy figures screw the condoms

This post was beyond necessary, the amount of party poopers at this stage is increasing unbelievably. The figures are rather scary. So let’s work together and eliminate these bastards. For those that don’t who party poopers are, well they are these ugly creatures, who either sit sadly in a corner at club or a party. You get the elite party poopers, who decide not to take on the rest of the world like us supreme raspy figures. They either criticize those who smoke weed or drink alcohol. And in serious situations you get those awful beings who try to reprimand us. Party poopers are the root of all evil it’s terrible seriously. Sometimes you get party poopers that are keen to go party and are scared of being late. Come on chaps, can you ever be late for a party, these ugly party poopers they just too much. To even make it worse when they arrive at the party they are so static and sad like Bill O’Reilly attempting to dance to N***** in Paris.

Damn party pooper’s.

Then you get Supreme raspy figures, like me and you who enjoy going out and having a hella good time. Drinking until we don’t remember what car we came with or where we parked our rides. Going hard every weekend and enjoying our life, no regrets. I know most of you are expecting me to say Y.O.L.O, but no I’ am sorry, that saying is just too common, everyone is using it. People, let’s be original and of the realest material ask me why? I will tell you why, we are Raspy supreme figures! So shout out to us supreme raspy figures. You either go hard or go home. Like a great man once said “work hard play hard, the bigger the bill the harder you ball”- Wiz Khalifa.

Raspy figure till I die

Then you get condoms, gosh I hate those useless objects. Okay ladies relax. I don’t mean condoms like that rubber you wear. Condoms are also known as cock blockers. It’s a synonym basically, these parasites that just don’t let their mates lay their game down. Their probably on the same level of poopers, since they can’t get their own they float around yours like a parasite. But if you’re a supreme raspy figures flick that parasite off and take your gold home.

Be gone parasite.

It’s not a poem…

She looks at me

I look at her

She smiles at me

I smile back

She winks at me

I wink back

She walks towards me

I open my arms

She whispers: “freak”

I ‘am so confused

I turn around

She’s hugging her 6’’6 boyfriend.

Fml…

The "Frantic" introduction.

Dear readers it has come to my attention, that this new era has called for some tough adjustments again. Not only am I going to post articles, I have also decided to start a mini-series called The adventures of Mexican boy containing action packed comedy. So tune in every Monday and Thursday for new episodes.

One love

Episode 1

Hello hi my name is Thiago Dos santos, just an ordinary kid raised in the toughest cities one could ever grow up in, El paso de notre. Fifteen and still alive, which is quite an accomplishment from where am from. Like my town is so messed up, that Al Qaeda think twice about causing trouble in El Paso. No one visits here because it’s mad raspy, foreigners are not welcomed. The death rate is 3 in 30 seconds; okay okay I ‘am fronting, I just thought it would be cool to say that. Well enough about this poor, over-populated and dirty town. About my family now, well um… I have four siblings that I know of. It was necessary to mention “know of” because it’s true in the past four years; I have been introduced to my siblings year after year. In 2008 I met Maria my half-sister she immigrated to America. She works as a servant for some fat, smelly, unattractive, perverted, odd ugly millionaire. That’s how she described him. It’s that cliché situation were a Mexican crosses the border to America yada yada, you can unfold the rest, in 2009 I met Dani my youngest brother the soccer star, the kids truly a whiz kid on the field, in 2010 I met the most messed up brother I have Hector. Hectors life is so messed up, all one can do is admire the time and effort put in to be so fucked up. Then last year I met the most irritating brother of mine Diego. His some big shot in the richest tele-communications company in México. His life is so perfect. He has the perfect hair, perfect girlfriend, perfect car, perfect height, and perfect dick alright cancel the perfect dick because now I sound like Adam Lambert. Bottom line my family is just too complicated. Then you get my best friend Enrique like his the man, always causing shit and getting away with it. Known my boy my whole life so its homies until will die basically. I live with my grandmother in a 1 ½ bedroom apartment. If you thought the houses on that show clean house or home improvement were bad, then you haven’t seen anything. You need to come to México and see the conditions of some houses here, especially mine like the sun has set on my house. It’s expired you can see some of the sky through my room’s roof. So that’s that my family in a nutshell.

Tune in on Sunday for more of my crazy endeavors.

10 differences between Black and White families.

Black families

1.       Black families seem to never have a specific time when it comes to having meals during a day. Dinner will be at like 22h00 on Thursday, Then Friday at 20h13, the inconsistency is always at its best. 

2.       Black families never take pictures on vacations.

3.       Black parents beat the living s*** out of their children for the smallest of issues.

4.       Black parents never wear glasses, kiss in public or crack jokes around people.

5.       Black people never make appointments for anything. Whether its dinner reservations or a haircut appointment they just don’t bother. 

6.       Black families go to church for no less than two hours.

7.       Black parents never go running, cycling or hiking.

8.       Black parents don’t have Facebook, they hating typing.

9.       Black parents don’t swim

10.   Black parents never have alone time with their kids to express their feelings or discuss important issues. It’s simple you arrive from school its hello dad, he replies hello and that’s that. There’s no how was school, or did you stand up to the bully today son.

White families

1.       White parents never lay a hand on their kids, even if they have just been busted with cocaine at school. It’s always: “Timothy go to your room, we are very disappointed in you.”

2.       White families take their dogs to vets for regular check-ups.

3.       White families go for picnics.

4.       White families allow dogs to mingle around the house, especially on their own beds.

5.       White families go camping, Black families never even consider such endeavors.

6.       White families have the most soothing, sounding edible material in their fridges. Black families have it simple bread, milk, sausages etc… no pudding, jelly or Donatelo’s Italian Sicily grilled beef fillet.

7.       White parents always have alcohol cabinets in the house with amazing liquor. Black parents don’t drink whiskey, vodka or rum unless it’s a party.

8.       White families visit their doctors and dentists regularly for check-ups. Black families visit their doctors only when one is seriously sick, they never visit the dentist ever.

9.       White parents allow their children to disrespect them like for e.g.: “Fuck you mum, you bitch. A black mother will break his son/daughter in half if such happened to her.

10.   White fathers like taking their kids fishing, while black fathers take their kids to work to help out.