Ms.Demingez’s office (Part 2)

Ten minutes have passed, no sign of Ms. D so I get up decide to check out her souvenirs, and I come across this penis shaped glass souvenir. All of sudden the door slowly opens, the creek made the situation so agitating. Then the most unbelievable figure appeared in red and black lingerie. I dropped the penis shaped souvenir, when it came to my senses that it was Ms.D. My f*** she was looking hotter than Megan Fox on a good day, no jokes. At this point I’ am wondering why she’s been hidding such beauty, moreover why she is still single. I start to sweat a little, when she starts approaching me in such an erotic manner. Before I could give her a piece of my mind, she covered my mouth with her hand. I oath she tried to put me to sleep with that Victoria secrets scent. She came closer and whispered, “Tell anyone about what’s about to happen and I will feed your testicles to my two Colombian pythons. She started taking of my tie, kissing my neck, unbuttoning my shirt and unzipping my pants. I tried to resist, thus feeling her breasts and attempting to push her away. But as the saying goes if you can’t beat her, join her. Wait… it’s more off if you can’t beat them, join them arghh… whatever, just know I was severely beaten, child abuse in fact, that’s why I had to join. Then she pulled my boxers down, kissing my neck aggressively. She slowly obeyed the laws of gravity and descended. A minute passes and I ‘am dazzled she certainly hasn’t been out of the game, So I take control, pick her up and put her on the desk  and begin what was meant to be done a long time ago. In and out, in and out time flew, moods swung and the clothes were back on. She opened the door for me what a lady. Out of nowhere she just started shouting: “If you ever in my office for such stupidity consider yourself expelled!” With a wink to show me it was a cover story. She slammed the door, both staff and students were just staring but little did they know the monster Ms.Demingez is. 

Checkmate

Several names will not be mention during this post, the place this catastrophe occurred or the names of people involved.

We decide with a couple of mates, to catch some lunch before our next lecture. So I order my food. Extra-large burgers, I up size my chips and one jumbo Fanta. Finish my food and I ‘am beyond full, my stomach bloated like a woman who is 9 months pregnant. We relax for like another few minutes due to the fact that, one of our mates hasn’t finished his meal, so actually I blame everything on him.

My stomach starts rumbling and nature calls, so I head to the restaurant toilets, all six toilets are occupied. I can’t hold it at this stage, I run outside to use the public toilets, out of the ten toilets only one is free, the one in the poorest condition. No time to be picky I enter lock it behind me and begin my mega business. Business is good today, after such an amazing adventure I’ am done. I reach for the toilet paper theirs nothing, I just start fiddling with the toilet roll. I remain calm and composed, whip out my phone scroll done the contact list to call a friend and that irritating voice explaining, you do not have enough airtime replies. I still remain calm theirs always BBM and whatsapp. I receive a message but decide to ignore it. Text my friend through my BBM and the red cross appears, so I try again the red cross still appears, I ping more than three times the bloody red cross strikes three times again.

So I go back to the main menu to read the message. The message informs me that my BIS (Blackberry Internet Services) has expired. Seriously what are the chances of that occurring? Alright now the composure has decreased. I start sweating a bit, you know when there’s a problem and you feel that one armpit sweat drop, drip down your side, yes that type of panic sweat. Now I’ am rushing to whatsapp my friend, because I’ am five minutes late for my lecture. During the attempt to use whatsapp, I delete it by accident. Partially my fault but give a man some space, like the bad luck is unbelievable, should have grown a goatee like thiago. Now there’s just no way out, so nasty methods start running marathons round my head. Some won’t be mention for the safety of people’s minds. I decide to go with my most logical plan, I was wearing some torn up batman inside shirt. Took it off and spent a couple of quality time minutes with it, before we both parted our ways in the most obscure way. As I was about to end my tough situation, some unfamiliar annoying bell started ringing. I started to rush up my situation, before I knew it the door automatically opened up slowly and revealed everything. Everything would have been absolutely okay if one or two people saw me. But the whole street stopped and decided to laugh at my pain. More than 50 people at least, to even top it off I’ am now 25 minutes late for my lecture.

Fml…

Ms. Demingez’s office

Episode 2

Recently, I have started growing this new goatee, dear me isn’t it bringing me the best of luck and attracting the most encouraging attention. Well from the girls at least. Don’t want someone like Mr. Dick attracted to me now; Oh yeah forgot to introduce that bastard. Mr. Dick is this useless new substitute teacher who thinks his the head of school it’s hilarious, his always walking around the school corridors chin up, hair greased and tie tightly fitted. So it’s early in the morning, as most people know my alarm clock works when it wants too, its on vacation this week. I’ am running late for Ms. McCarthy’s class. All would have been good if she was present today, but she explained to the rest of the class, that she was going to be absent. So we don’t all need the ability to predict the future, Mr. Dick is the future. Plain and simple I’ am in shit. So I arrive in class, “Good evening, Thiago what a pleasant surprise it’s nice for you to join us today you rather early aren’t you Thiago”.  “Um… Sir the thing is my alarm clock just died on me today so, Um… sorry sir”. “Don’t worry young man all is good, just turn around and make your little trip down the hall to Ms. Demingez’s office. Off I head to see Ms. Demingez, the good news is I haven’t been in her office once this year, unlike last year were it was 322 times the entire year. “Come in Thiago” Ms. D screams out. I enter the office she starts to scan me from my head down to my beautiful Mexican toes (I ‘am wearing slippers today). “Wow!!! First time you are in my office this year and we almost done with the semester I ‘am really impressed Mr. Hernandez”.  “What’s this new goatee you growing” she asks. I tell her that I will shave it off before coming to school tomorrow and I apologized to her so sincerely. Then she replies “No! Don’t shave it off, it suits you I like it, it really brings out your masculine side”. Okay now I ‘am thinking in my head who need’s the Irish for luck, my goatee is just the s***. Then the most weird thing happens next, she gets up and comes towards me, whispers in my ear “ You know what, young man you have really matured this year, are you hitting the gym or what, your shoulders are broader and your biceps are bigger” she then touches the top of my shoulder and slowly goes down feeling  and squeezing my bicep . So I reply “thank you”, with a stutter towards the end. She turns around, walks towards the mysterious door behind her desk, which everyone has been dying to find out were it leads too and opens it. She turns around, tells me to sit on the chair and that she will be with me shortly. She gives me a wink, off she disappears into the dark closing the door shut…

To be continued

Party pooper’s, raspy figures screw the condoms

This post was beyond necessary, the amount of party poopers at this stage is increasing unbelievably. The figures are rather scary. So let’s work together and eliminate these bastards. For those that don’t who party poopers are, well they are these ugly creatures, who either sit sadly in a corner at club or a party. You get the elite party poopers, who decide not to take on the rest of the world like us supreme raspy figures. They either criticize those who smoke weed or drink alcohol. And in serious situations you get those awful beings who try to reprimand us. Party poopers are the root of all evil it’s terrible seriously. Sometimes you get party poopers that are keen to go party and are scared of being late. Come on chaps, can you ever be late for a party, these ugly party poopers they just too much. To even make it worse when they arrive at the party they are so static and sad like Bill O’Reilly attempting to dance to N***** in Paris.

Damn party pooper’s.

Then you get Supreme raspy figures, like me and you who enjoy going out and having a hella good time. Drinking until we don’t remember what car we came with or where we parked our rides. Going hard every weekend and enjoying our life, no regrets. I know most of you are expecting me to say Y.O.L.O, but no I’ am sorry, that saying is just too common, everyone is using it. People, let’s be original and of the realest material ask me why? I will tell you why, we are Raspy supreme figures! So shout out to us supreme raspy figures. You either go hard or go home. Like a great man once said “work hard play hard, the bigger the bill the harder you ball”- Wiz Khalifa.

Raspy figure till I die

Then you get condoms, gosh I hate those useless objects. Okay ladies relax. I don’t mean condoms like that rubber you wear. Condoms are also known as cock blockers. It’s a synonym basically, these parasites that just don’t let their mates lay their game down. Their probably on the same level of poopers, since they can’t get their own they float around yours like a parasite. But if you’re a supreme raspy figures flick that parasite off and take your gold home.

Be gone parasite.

It’s not a poem…

She looks at me

I look at her

She smiles at me

I smile back

She winks at me

I wink back

She walks towards me

I open my arms

She whispers: “freak”

I ‘am so confused

I turn around

She’s hugging her 6’’6 boyfriend.

Fml…

The "Frantic" introduction.

Dear readers it has come to my attention, that this new era has called for some tough adjustments again. Not only am I going to post articles, I have also decided to start a mini-series called The adventures of Mexican boy containing action packed comedy. So tune in every Monday and Thursday for new episodes.

One love

Episode 1

Hello hi my name is Thiago Dos santos, just an ordinary kid raised in the toughest cities one could ever grow up in, El paso de notre. Fifteen and still alive, which is quite an accomplishment from where am from. Like my town is so messed up, that Al Qaeda think twice about causing trouble in El Paso. No one visits here because it’s mad raspy, foreigners are not welcomed. The death rate is 3 in 30 seconds; okay okay I ‘am fronting, I just thought it would be cool to say that. Well enough about this poor, over-populated and dirty town. About my family now, well um… I have four siblings that I know of. It was necessary to mention “know of” because it’s true in the past four years; I have been introduced to my siblings year after year. In 2008 I met Maria my half-sister she immigrated to America. She works as a servant for some fat, smelly, unattractive, perverted, odd ugly millionaire. That’s how she described him. It’s that cliché situation were a Mexican crosses the border to America yada yada, you can unfold the rest, in 2009 I met Dani my youngest brother the soccer star, the kids truly a whiz kid on the field, in 2010 I met the most messed up brother I have Hector. Hectors life is so messed up, all one can do is admire the time and effort put in to be so fucked up. Then last year I met the most irritating brother of mine Diego. His some big shot in the richest tele-communications company in México. His life is so perfect. He has the perfect hair, perfect girlfriend, perfect car, perfect height, and perfect dick alright cancel the perfect dick because now I sound like Adam Lambert. Bottom line my family is just too complicated. Then you get my best friend Enrique like his the man, always causing shit and getting away with it. Known my boy my whole life so its homies until will die basically. I live with my grandmother in a 1 ½ bedroom apartment. If you thought the houses on that show clean house or home improvement were bad, then you haven’t seen anything. You need to come to México and see the conditions of some houses here, especially mine like the sun has set on my house. It’s expired you can see some of the sky through my room’s roof. So that’s that my family in a nutshell.

Tune in on Sunday for more of my crazy endeavors.

10 differences between Black and White families.

Black families

1.       Black families seem to never have a specific time when it comes to having meals during a day. Dinner will be at like 22h00 on Thursday, Then Friday at 20h13, the inconsistency is always at its best. 

2.       Black families never take pictures on vacations.

3.       Black parents beat the living s*** out of their children for the smallest of issues.

4.       Black parents never wear glasses, kiss in public or crack jokes around people.

5.       Black people never make appointments for anything. Whether its dinner reservations or a haircut appointment they just don’t bother. 

6.       Black families go to church for no less than two hours.

7.       Black parents never go running, cycling or hiking.

8.       Black parents don’t have Facebook, they hating typing.

9.       Black parents don’t swim

10.   Black parents never have alone time with their kids to express their feelings or discuss important issues. It’s simple you arrive from school its hello dad, he replies hello and that’s that. There’s no how was school, or did you stand up to the bully today son.

White families

1.       White parents never lay a hand on their kids, even if they have just been busted with cocaine at school. It’s always: “Timothy go to your room, we are very disappointed in you.”

2.       White families take their dogs to vets for regular check-ups.

3.       White families go for picnics.

4.       White families allow dogs to mingle around the house, especially on their own beds.

5.       White families go camping, Black families never even consider such endeavors.

6.       White families have the most soothing, sounding edible material in their fridges. Black families have it simple bread, milk, sausages etc… no pudding, jelly or Donatelo’s Italian Sicily grilled beef fillet.

7.       White parents always have alcohol cabinets in the house with amazing liquor. Black parents don’t drink whiskey, vodka or rum unless it’s a party.

8.       White families visit their doctors and dentists regularly for check-ups. Black families visit their doctors only when one is seriously sick, they never visit the dentist ever.

9.       White parents allow their children to disrespect them like for e.g.: “Fuck you mum, you bitch. A black mother will break his son/daughter in half if such happened to her.

10.   White fathers like taking their kids fishing, while black fathers take their kids to work to help out.

Foreword...

Some say he walks on water. Others say they’ve witnessed him turn water into wine. He his none other than Gilbert Melkizedeki Kimaro (don't pronounce the i in Melkizedeki for the hundredth time.). Jokes everybody for all the folks that know me, indeed you read right I’ am starting a blog don’t be shell shocked. This new era has called for some serious adapting, “Survival of the fittest”. For those that don’t know me I ‘am just that guy. Won’t introduce myself it’s just too much of a cliché. Just know am that “guy”. So people read, support and live my blog.

One love